As a recovering perfectionist, I well know the killer costs of perfectionism.
Perfectionism takes a high toll on your productivity and impact. It can include:
The projects you envision but never start because "you'd have to figure out how to do it perfectly" which you'll do "later", i.e. never.
The projects you start but never finish, because "they're not good enough yet" which you'll finish "once you figure out the last steps to make them good enough", i.e. never.
The projects you start, finish, and launch, then crush yourself with guilt because they're not "perfect", i.e. punishing yourself for actually finishing something.
The dread you churn in your gut fearing you haven't pleased the imaginary "everyone" around you with a "perfect" that is "100% pleasing to everyone".
Some of its killer costs are:
Repeatedly losing out by skipping opportunities well within your skill level.
The physical and mental strains of stress - worn out adrenals, bodily strain, beating yourself up for either doing or not-doing it.
Falling behind others who may have less skill but more "hustle", and more ability to tolerate a 95% good-enough item, launch it, go with the flow and work out the bugs with amusement and grace.
And the #1 killer is..
You don't get to create the life you want.
Because you're always worrying what you do "isn't good enough".
That's sad. And wrong. Stop hiding your brilliance through fear that your offering to the world "isn't good enough". Here's how!
1. Get a grip on where it comes from.
What was praised, what was punished? Start with family origins to explore your present-day struggles. Journal on this and then reflect as to whether you want this impulse to control you any longer. Here are two potential family scenarios to get you thinking:
Arbitrary Praise. Perfectionism can come from a family in which praise may have been arbitrary. If your family wanted to control or manipulate you with praise and disapproval, they may have used any opportunity to nitpick the things you did. Their praise or disapproval could even be totally contradictory, as in, nitpicking that your watercolor painting is too dark and somber one day, then nitpicking the next (when you've tried to use brighter colors and make a nice happy painting) that it's too bright.
Under the hood, what they were doing wasn't an actual evaluation of your work. It was an attempt to keep you under their thumb, emotionally off-balance, and always seeking their approval. Such manipulation can teach you to dread feedback, since you've been taught the message "you can never win" no matter what you do. It can also teach you to try to be "perfect" in figuring out what "they" want so that you can't be criticised.
Golden Child. Or, perfectionism can come from a narcissistic family in which you must be the Golden Child, the one who is "immediately perfect" at everything. You are expected to get it right on your first tries, and if you're not immediately "perfect", they claim loudly that you clearly don't have skill in this area and should drop it at once.
Such a family model leaves no room for understanding the cycles of experimentation or for real learning, which can involve failure, reflection, and new attempts.
It can also leave you with a hypersensitivity to assessment, since anything you really wanted to do as a kid would be immediately assessed as thumbs up/thumbs down in your opportunity to continue it. With this hypersensitivity, you may hold onto projects forever, as you fear the "thumbs down" that might tell you you're simply no good and shouldn't even be trying this.
2. Look for exceptions that show perfectionism isn't tied to success.
Look out into the world and see how many people do NOT have these impulses, and how many go ahead, do what they need to do, excuse and fix any failures, and improve in how they deliver. When you can see others with no such inhibitions, you can realize that your own perfectionism is a phantom.
Determine that you will not let perfectionism get in the way of you living the life you really want to live. Don't let it make you miss out on all the amazing things life has to offer. Click to tweet.
3. Change and recode your own life.
Use these steps:
Get a read on whether your fearful/perfectionism feelings reflect the ACTUAL quality of your offering. Know how good your product or service really is, and use this to defuse your feelings of dread that it's not. (I.e. learn whether your feelings or perfectionistic "alarm bells" are real signals.) If you really do find areas you need to strengthen, work in that area to learn and improve, no fuss, just bring it up to speed. Most perfectionists have a high quality work product -- it's just that their imaginary standards won't let them appreciate that.
Gain a higher tolerance for criticism, deliberately. If you were indoctrinated that "even ONE critical comment means I'm a total failure", learn to set that bar higher. Understand there will always be critical people. Make it OK. Take it with a grain of salt. Focus on the people you're serving who will benefit from what you offer. Create new strategies for managing criticism.
Embrace the learning process. Real learning is a cycle of experimentation, results, assessment, and further experimentation. Experimentation means imperfection. Do it anyway! Get active, try it out, and learn from the trying.
Above all, determine that you will not let perfectionism get in the way of you living the life you really want to live. Don't let it make you miss out on all the amazing things life has to offer.
Get out there, play, and explore. How will you permit fruitful cycles of exploration and learning as you #healworklife?
Be well,
Katherine
