Reach for authentic toughness to master challenges with confidence -- not just the mask of toughness that denies your inner needs. *Scroll to the bottom to download (no opt-in required) the Worksheet and Journal Prompts for “The Answer Is Being More Authentic, Not Putting On A Better 'Toughness Mask'” .
Inside you, there is a tough kid waiting to be told to stop having to be tough.
When you help that inner kid out with your inner leadership, you engage with the authentic core of you. That will give you more power, depth, and richness in all you do. You can SUCCEED through what blocks you.
Toughness isn’t a bad thing. I’m not at all against toughness or discipline. I'm a professional, and I love tackling difficult, complex, impossible projects. I’m an endurance athlete, and I enjoy hard efforts — the kind that really test your grit and your courage. You too have your tough challenges that you love. And yes, there are also times when the show must go on, and you just deal, get through, and make what needs to happen, happen.
But the importance is, these are a joyful kind of toughness. The kind that's getting you to where you want to go.
No, the type of “toughness” I’m speaking against is the MASK of toughness. A false front — “toughen up, suck it up, slap a Band-Aid on it, put a lid on it, disregard your heart’s red alerts, and just fall into line like a good girl/boy, why don’t you? Shut up, shut down, hide the vulnerability, who cares what you authentically feel. Just get a mask on it and go on like nothing’s wrong.”
In family life, you as a tough kid learned to put on a false front to survive. Messages like, “Never mind what you want, you’re inconveniencing us. Shut up, stop caterwauling, there's nothing going on. Be a good girl now, be a good boy, stop bothering us with your needs. Get that mask on. We are a happy family. Stop embarrassing us all.” The family pressure to look good on the outside, and never mind the inside, where you still felt like broken glass.
This leaves you, the adult who grew out of that child, with little proper thoughtspace or method to explore why those fear or red-alerts are repeatedly flaring off into loud alarm bells. When you think, “Wait, there has to be an answer, and another way!” that critical voice jumps on your back — “No time, you slacker! Put that tough mask back on and get back to to work. You just need to man up, to woman up. Stop being so sensitive! No one else is complaining, so what's wrong with you? You’re just weak. Stop embarrassing us all. Oh, and, P.S., you're a failure.”
Listening to that, you end up stuck behind all your limits, wondering why everyone else seems smarter, better equipped for life, blithely stronger than you are. Better at building their network, better at pitching professional projects to the boss, better at email marketing, better at everything YOU want to achieve.
The toughness mask never works, because it denies authenticity. If you just keep pushing your fears away under your toughness mask, you never address the wounds and needs that are truly there.
Your wounds are waiting for you to acknowledge them, so you can lead yourself beyond them and into REAL strength.
Take on real toughness, by being authentic.
Stop sacrificing yourself to the mere appearance of strength (the toughness mask) and reach for real strength (authenticity).
Here are a few steps to get you started:
Look for typical "toughness mask" moments in your day. What situations repeatedly make you feel you have to hide under a mask and just soldier on? What inner voice jumps on you for “how weak” you’re being, how “overreactive” you are, that you’re “too sensitive”? What criticism blocks you from going farther?
Reflect that just slapping on the mask gets you nowhere. It never heals the underlying wounds, and therefore, it never really resolves the situation, the fear, or the trigger. This leaves you endlessly vulnerable to the Critic’s message. In fact, the toughness mask is the Critic’s way to keep the upper hand over you. Its carping words endlessly keep you off balance, denying your true inner strength.
Decide to stop reacting from this place of fear. It's your choice to stop this madness. It’s never going to get you anywhere. The Critic within can never be pleased, and you can never capitulate enough to said Critic to win.
Listen to that inner voice to uncover your real needs. In a safe space and time for you, listen to the REAL messages within, without editing or denying them. What do you really need or stand for? What's been under that mask all along? What aspect of you is truly aching to be heard? What needs to be acknowledged for that Inner Kid, or even Inner Teen or Inner Adult, to feel safe that YOU are the strong leader who’s got the vision and the chops to get you all to the next level in your goals and desires?
Put that authenticity in the driver's seat. Choose to be the leader who listens to your needs, rather than bending to the toxic messages of the toughness mask. Commit to leading yourself authentically at all times. You'll find this more quickly leads you into the growth, activities, and success you truly desire.
The toughness mask isn't tough -- it's merely capitulation. Take on the challenge to stand up for your own authenticity. That gives you plenty of real toughness to draw on as a professional, entrepreneur, innovator, and problem solving specialist in life and work.
In doing so, you draw on your own most valuable resource: your authentic strength. As a bonus, when you model wise authenticity, you lead the way for others to stand up for their own authentic strength as well.
What will you shift from the toughness mask to an authentic reaction, today?
Keep Growing,
Katherine
Download the Worksheet and Journal Prompts for “The Answer Is Being More Authentic, Not Putting On A Better 'Toughness Mask'" (no opt in required).
