The Debunkers take on "setting boundaries", a term so overused it needs some serious boundaries itself...
“Just set boundaries.” How many times have you heard that phrase tossed around as the magical fix for dealing with difficult people or toxic situations? It sounds bold, even empowering—like all you need is to draw a line in the sand, and suddenly, everything will change.
But let’s be real: has it ever worked that way?
The truth is, “setting boundaries” has become the ultimate cop-out in advice culture—a neat little package that sounds actionable but leaves you stuck in the same mess, just with more guilt when it doesn’t work. Worse, it frames the world as inherently hostile, as if you’re living in a battle zone where everyone is an invasive force you have to manage.
Let’s get one thing straight: life isn’t supposed to feel like you’re fending off aggressive dogs and looters every day. If it does, the issue isn’t that you’re bad at “setting boundaries”—it’s that you’re stuck in the wrong situations.
Welcome to The Debunkers, a series where we challenge overused clichés and buzzwords, revealing why they miss the mark and offering meaningful alternatives. Together, we’ll replace empty phrases with positive practices that actually work. The Debunkers is created and written by Katherine R. Lieber of TitaniumBlue LLC.
Boundaries: The Empty Promise
Here’s the first problem with “setting boundaries”: what does it even mean? No one ever explains it. Are you supposed to lay down a set of rules for everyone in your life? Do you have to announce, “This is my boundary,” like some kind of personal press release? The phrase gets thrown around so carelessly that it’s become nothing more than a placeholder for “fix your relationships without actually fixing anything.”
Worse, it puts all the work on your shoulders. You’re expected to figure out what boundaries you need, articulate them in some perfect way, and then enforce them—repeatedly—against people who, let’s be honest, probably don’t care about your boundaries in the first place. The whole concept assumes that everyone in your life is reasonable and respectful, which is laughable when you’re dealing with narcissists, manipulators, or just plain toxic environments.
And when it doesn’t work? That’s on you too. “You just need to try harder,” they say. “Be more consistent.” The unspoken message is clear: if people keep crossing your boundaries, it’s your fault for not setting them the right way. This kind of thinking is exhausting, demoralizing, and worst of all, completely backwards. The problem isn’t that you’re bad at setting boundaries—it’s that the situations and people you’re dealing with don’t respect them, and very possibly, they never will.
“Setting boundaries” is a losing game because it frames your life as a constant defense against invasion. But life isn’t supposed to be a battle for respect with you as the loser. Real solutions come from expecting reciprocity, making smarter decisions, and, when necessary, walking away from what isn’t working. It’s not about setting a perfect boundary—it’s about creating a better life where you don’t need them in the first place.
And, Big Surprise: 'Setting Boundaries' Doesn't Work with Habitual Boundary-Breakers
The biggest flaw in the “setting boundaries” mantra is its assumption that everyone will respect those boundaries once they’re in place. So, sure -- that's some people. But what happens when you try to set boundaries with someone who thrives on breaking them? Well, nothing. Narcissists, manipulators, and toxic personalities don’t care whether you set boundaries or not—they bulldoze right through them and then act offended as if you were the problem for daring to draw the line in the first place.
Take narcissists, for example. By definition, they operate as though your boundaries don’t exist, which for them, is absolutely true. To them, boundaries are a challenge, not a limit. When you try to enforce one, they’ll gaslight you, guilt-trip you, or escalate their behavior until you feel like the bad guy for even trying. They leave you not just frustrated, but questioning what a guilty sad soul you were to try to even draw that line. How could you?!
The truth is, boundaries are useless against people who don’t respect the concept of mutuality. And that’s the core problem with the advice to "set boundaries": it assumes the world is full of reasonable people who will magically adjust their behavior just because you said, “This is my boundary.” But in reality, the people you most need boundary-respect from are those least likely to honor a boundary.
Instead of exhausting yourself trying to set and reset boundaries with people like this, it’s time to shift your energy. Expecting respect from someone who thrives on disrespect is a waste of your time and power. The smarter move? Recognize who they are, stop engaging on their terms, and start making decisions that put you—not them—in control.
Boundaries aren’t the solution to bad behavior. Removing yourself from the equation is.
The Passive Trap: Why 'Setting Boundaries' Fails as Advice
Boundaries keep you stuck in passive mode. The whole idea of “setting boundaries” is built on the assumption that you’re responsible for staying in difficult situations—you just need to manage them better. That's a survival tactic, not a strategy for living a better life.
Think about it: the mantra doesn’t tell you to leave a toxic workplace, distance yourself from abusive family members, or end one-sided friendships. Instead, it tells you to stay put and somehow enforce boundaries in a way that doesn’t upset anyone. It’s like trying to fix a leaky boat by bailing water faster, instead of just getting out of the boat.
This mindset is dangerous because it teaches you to tolerate disrespect and dysfunction, as long as you’re doing the mental labor of setting boundaries (and the further mental labor of trying to get them to respect the boundaries you're setting). It also frames the problem as entirely yours to solve, instead of placing accountability where it belongs—with the people or systems creating the problem in the first place.
Real power doesn’t come from constantly defending your boundaries. It comes from making proactive, wise decisions that take you out of situations where boundaries are so necessary. It’s about building a life where mutual respect is the standard, not the exception.
When you focus on creating a life that aligns with your values, goals, and worth, you stop needing to enforce boundaries because the people and environments you’ve chosen already respect you. That’s not boundary-setting—it’s boundary-eliminating. And it’s the ultimate freedom.
Moving Beyond Boundaries—Stop Just Building Higher, Better Walls
So, if “setting boundaries” isn’t the answer, what is? It’s time to rethink the entire premise. Instead of focusing on drawing lines in the sand, focus on creating a life where boundaries aren’t constantly needed. This starts with a shift in mindset: stop trying to manage toxic people or situations, and start prioritizing environments and relationships that naturally align with mutual respect and reciprocity.
This isn’t about running away from every difficult situation—it’s about knowing the difference between what’s worth working through and what’s simply not worth your energy. You don’t need to keep negotiating boundaries with people who refuse to respect you. Instead, make wise, decisive moves to minimize their role in your life or remove yourself altogether.
For example, instead of setting boundaries with a boss who constantly emails you at 10 p.m., clarify expectations once. If they continue to ignore them, it’s a clear signal: this isn’t about your boundaries; it’s about their disregard for basic respect. That’s not a situation you need to fix—it’s one you need to evaluate and potentially leave behind.
In personal relationships, the same principle applies. Instead of repeatedly setting boundaries with a friend who drains your energy or a family member who refuses to respect your choices, decide what role they’re allowed to play in your life—or whether they should have a role at all.
Taking action isn’t easy, but it’s far more effective than staying in a cycle of setting and resetting boundaries. Ultimately, moving beyond boundaries means reclaiming your power. It’s not about building higher walls to protect yourself—it’s about building a better life where walls aren’t constantly necessary.
Stop 'Setting Boundaries'... Expect Mutual Respect Instead
The mantra of “setting boundaries” sounds reasonable, which is why it's stuck around for so long. In practice, it’s a misguided attempt to manage the unmanageable. It asks you to stay in situations that don’t serve you, shoulder all the responsibility for managing others, and tolerate disrespect as long as you can articulate your limits.
But life isn’t meant to feel like a constant battle for your own respect. Instead of focusing on boundaries, focus on building a life where mutual respect is baked into every relationship, every decision, and every environment. Recognize that you don’t need to fix toxic people or tolerate toxic systems—you have the power to walk away, choose better, and create a life that aligns with your worth.
Stop setting boundaries with others. Start setting standards within yourself. That’s how you take back control—and that’s how you thrive.
Let go of the 'setting boundaries' myth and embrace what truly moves you forward.
Until next time, keep reaching for true productivity, and... Keep Debunking!
Cheers,
Katherine
