As you reach for limitlessness, you may find resistance from any number of people. You’d hope and imagine they would be amazed and joyful at your development, and many will. But many won’t. Instead they’ll feel challenged by your change, at risk of losing the aspects of you they get ‘for free’ (especially if you were previously an over-giver), and resentful that you want to grow beyond them.
You get to choose who you let into or filter out of your life, and as you reach for limitlessness you may be faced with making wise decisions about this. The bottom line is this: never let another’s smallness or their unwillingness to grow - or to permit you to grow - be a factor that holds you back. The only one who loses in that game is YOU.
If you’re stunting yourself, holding back from new growth that could make or keep you competitive, or setting aside the development that could lead to your big dreams just to keep in their good graces, you’re wasting years of your life that could be spent becoming better, stronger, and more capable. In the end, they’ll walk free into whatever future they go on to after knowing you, and you’ll be left holding the bag wishing you’d done it all ten years earlier.
So, realize that reaching for limitlessness may also require you to do some wise curation of your people inventory, to protect your energies so you can flow them into effort, protect your drive and momentum from doubters, or protect your own belief in your limitlessness from naysayers and those who would seek to try to keep you small. In the end, these aren’t people who are necessarily healthy to be around anyway.
The bottom line is this: never let another’s smallness or their unwillingness to grow - or to permit you to grow - be a factor that holds you back. The only one who loses in that game is YOU.
Curating your People Landscape (a.k.a. People Inventory) is one of the things I include in my series on Power Building, and it also applies here. You have the right, the permission, and the responsibility to curate your people landscape. You DO NOT have to put up with abusive people, toxic people, guilters, and others, and you also don't have to do it "just because they have been friends for a long time" (you can make the call whether the friendship is worth their lack of support) or "it would be mean to stop talking to them" or even, "they are family and I don't have a choice". Yes, you do have a choice, even with family. YOU are the one who gets to choose what level of interaction you have with anyone in your life. You can be kind, but you may also need to be firm in drawing new boundaries.
Realizing that fact can take courage, and you may make compassionate decisions to keep a troublesome family member close rather than distant -- or, distant rather than close, if that is more healing for you. But always, the choice of who you let into your life is yours, and yours alone. Just reflect on this and think whether you want or need to make changes.Here are some common types of people to evaluate in your personal or professional life.
People who resent your changes - and guilt you about it
These are the individuals who make you feel guilty for reaching for limitlessness. It may be big guilt, it may be small, nagging, implied guilt, but whatever the scale, they’re trying to imply your growth is wrong in some way. Often, they’re the ones who have benefited most from you being smaller, limited, and giving yourself - your love, work product, presence, attention, etc. - away to them, cheaply or even for free. This is especially true if you’ve been a long time over-giver who’s now realizing your own value and not so keen on over-giving as you realize your own power.
Their complaint may be framed as a plaintive, “Why are you hurting me by growing?”, as if your wish to grow, expand and become more than you are is unreasonable and meant to hurt them. Or, “Why are you betraying me by seeking advancement?” if it’s a boss who resents your growth (or is possibly, threatened by it) and wants to keep you in the same position. Or, "Why are you changing and growing apart from the group?" from a group that perhaps, you've grown far beyond already. Note that there are legitimate ways to answer these questions and you can certainly enter into dialogue if that’s possible. The toxic aspect is when they don’t want the answers you give -- when they only want you to stop your growing (so they can keep getting what they were getting from you).
Here's the thing. Bracing against their guilting takes mental and emotional energy. Evaluate how much energy you expend trying to fight the guilt they install in you. If you're spending all that time struggling, how much time are you NOT putting into your limitlessness project? How much doubt are they creating in you that is a heavy drag on all you can be and want to be?
People who accuse you of "making the rest of us look bad"
These are the ones who want to keep you down by claiming that your excellence is making everyone else look bad. If you’ve had this happen, you may remember it most from school, where the “A” students were resented for getting the A or the perfect score - even if they earned it through intense study. In adult life, this also includes anyone who resents your excellence, even though they may not even be reaching for anything themselves.
Directly or indirectly, they may express that you reaching for success is "making the rest of us look bad". If you believe that, you’ll ignore your ambitions and just stay stuck in the herd. Realize that to be limitless is to be a leader, and to be a leader is to be out in front of the crowd. Don't let their attitude stop you.
People who bring up your foibles in front of others to keep you down
This is a big red flag identifying a person who is toxic to you or your endeavors. This person likes to reveal little embarrassing snippets about you to others, usually in the midst of a group conversation. In this way, they smugly show you they’re “still in control of you” by putting you down publicly. You’re usually not able to protest without looking like an idiot, so you just have to take it and laugh it off. If you try talking to them about it later, they won’t admit they did anything wrong and will frame it as a joke and you as being “too sensitive”. “All I did was tell the new client about that time you were SO drunk at the office party 15 years ago, but come on! He thought it was funny. That was 15 years ago and you’re just too sensitive about it.”
These folks are bad news, because they can say anything - in front of you, or behind your back. They may disguise themselves by being otherwise charming and even fun, but when the rubber hits the road, instead of supporting you, they're saying the most smug, outlandish things meant to demean you in front of your peers. Avoid them if possible. If you can't, cultivate your own centeredness around them so when they trot these things out, you react with unflappable calm. And no, you're not being too sensitive.
People who always have to get in a dig about how this won't help you a bit
These are the ones who you dread sharing your projects with. They always seem to find a way to invalidate, belittle, make it sound petty, make it sound impossible, or even deliver that smug "Oh, really" that's infuriating without you ever being able to explain why. You end up feeling disheartened and demoralized -- often, you can lose momentum for the next few hours or days.
Realize that if you have dread about sharing with a person, that dread may be telling you something. Your rational mind may even try to override - "Oh, come on, it's only Fred, he'll want to know what you're working on anyway, and you'll have to tell him something." (Your rational mind may even try to tell you you're too sensitive!) But your gut knows better. These types are distinct from the trusted, helpful people who can raise useful questions about the scope or direction of your project - helpful perspectives and real discussion, interested in guiding you. Instead, these toxic ones are the people who merely want to be smug experts (about YOUR life) and always end up sounding like they know SO much more than you (and that you're wrong). Or they frame it as "your little project, your cute little interest". They may even deliberately toss off throwaway lines like, "Well, it won't make a bit of difference in your career." Now you're stuck having to clean up that invalidation-mess in your thoughts, long after the actual conversation.
There are many more than these common types - how many have YOU experienced firsthand?
Why focus on cleaning your People Landscape of toxic folks first? Why not focus on finding great, positive people? Because building a supportive team of great, positive people takes longer - it's wonderful, but it's also reliant on outside forces (finding the right other people, and the time and interactions it takes to do so). Whereas, preventing the damage from toxic people is something you have control of immediately. Toxic people are like ink in the glass. A few drops of ink can stain a whole glass of water. Stop letting them drop ink into your water, and you're already going farther.
You have the right, the permission, and the responsibility to curate your people landscape. You do not have to put up with abusive people, toxic people, guilters, and others.
You are in control of your People Landscape. It is your choice to minimize, neutralize, or cut off contact with those who are toxic to your growth (and to what degree). You don't have to be mean, but you may have to be firm, and you may have to be willing to disappoint some people. Guilters, for instance, may never really "forgive" the "betrayal" of your growing beyond them - but would you want to live your entire life as a lesser, diminished version of yourself, just to please them? And, in the workplace, you may need alternative strategies depending on how closely you work with any toxic type as part of your organization.
Either way, begin to observe and reflect on the people you let into your life, and how they help or hinder your deepest growth and your limitlessness. If you've let toxic characters in in the past, begin to gently but firmly shepherd them out or minimize your interaction. Don't let them in just to "be nice". The cost is too high.
Growing in this area takes courage and wisdom! Take time and think carefully, and know that in the end, YOU have the permission and the right to filter who you want in your life (or not filter - it really is up to you). Find the ones who support your limitlessness and are enthusiastic as you reach for more, even MUCH more.
What aspects of your People Landscape will you observe, and maybe even change, today?
Keep Growing,
Katherine Lieber coaches and trains on self-leadership, limitlessness, energy health, inner power, and healing the wounded professional to recover core vision, joy, and high-powered performance in the workplace. She is the founder of TitaniumBlue Leadership. Be limitless - be the hero in a world that needs you.
© 2019 Katherine R. Lieber & TitaniumBlue Leadership
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