By prioritizing wisdom over niceness, you cultivate a more profound ability to handle and influence life's events.
When I read The Power of Nice I had a strong reaction to the idea that I should strive to be even "nicer" than I was already to get ahead as a professional woman. For those who don't know the book, the idea of leveraging kindness and empathy in business is laudable. Kindness—the book's true thesis—gives individuals room to breathe, act, and be authentic without the judgmental undertones.
But kindness isn’t the word in the title, and “nice” is. And that's a problem.
The Taxonomy of Niceness: Beyond Politeness
For professional women, being "nice" is not just a suggested trait but often an unspoken requirement. The demand for niceness extends far beyond conventional civility, often undercutting one's ability to present with power, lead with authority, and make difficult decisions. This also impacts one's power, energy, Wise Woman wisdom, and ability to create impact in the workplace and the world.
It's crucial to distinguish what is meant by "niceness." Being "nice" is often confused with politeness. But niceness extends into a realm where it depends on suppression of self-expression and authenticity. Unlike politeness—which adheres to the norms of respectful interaction—niceness nearly always veers into self-compromise. It may involve withholding valid criticism, subduing one's voice, smiling at a toxic backhanded complement just to keep the peace, or modifying one's personality to fit expected norms.
Words like "compassionate," "nurturing," and, again, "nice," are still affixed to the concept of womanhood. In the professional milieu, this translates into an expectation for women to maintain a constant semblance of agreeability, even when to be agreeable means they hold back on their true sentiments, expertise, and impact. This tacit requirement can serve as an insidious force that marginalizes you in terms of power dynamics and decision-making processes.
The Erosion of Authenticity: The Hidden Cost of Niceness
In the end, the peacekeeping of "nice" will lead you to a deficit, a standstill. When you suppress your authentic professional prowess to conform to workplace or business culture expectations, you pay an incredible price that only accumulates as time goes on. This compromise is like a heavy tax on your spirit, your professional reputation, and all you can and could create in the world. There's a strain to wearing that niceness mask, especially for capable women.
Niceness aims for surface-level harmony. It seeks to avoid conflict, even when confrontation might be necessary or beneficial. The motivation behind niceness stems from societal or external expectations, with individuals acting "nice" to fit a particular mold or avoid negative perceptions.
All this comes with a high cost. Being the “nice one” can lead to professional loss, including:
Reduced Credibility: Perpetual niceness can undermine a woman's perceived authority and leadership capabilities.
Missed Negotiations: An overemphasis on agreeableness might lead to suboptimal deal outcomes or undervalued contributions.
Diminished Innovation: Hesitation to challenge established norms due to niceness can stifle creativity and innovative thinking.
Overburdened Workloads: Being too accommodating often results in an unfair distribution of tasks and responsibilities.
Undervalued Contributions: Consistent niceness might result in diminished recognition and compensation for one's efforts and expertise.
Niceness requires maintaining a certain appearance of naivete and passivity as well. In a "nice" identity, professional women are expected to be the smoothers, the soothers, the maintainers of emotional equilibrium, concerned with everyone's well-being, the embodiment of all that is pleasant, mild, and agreeable. The carriers-out of other's dictates, rather than the trailblazers of their own expert vision.
That's not a good identity, and it's certainly not one that will reward your professional expertise with the success and acclaim you desire and deserve.
Stop being "Nice", Start being Wise
Stop being nice, and begin to exercise your authority as a Wise Woman*. (*Or Wise Man. I haven’t forgotten about you, guys.)
Being the Wise Woman allows you to come from a deeper, more insightful place that harmonizes self-respect, authenticity, and the broader context, all while leveraging your accumulated experience and expertise. By being "wise," you can navigate complex situations more smoothly and effectively, ensuring your own well-being while optimizing outcomes in ways mere “niceness” can never even imagine.
Best of all, you don’t have to be some of the common stereotypical “opposites” of nice, such as "mean", "bad", "b*tchy" or "aggressive". Be Wise! This allows you to be judicious in care of yourself and your needs, as well as those of all your colleagues and stakeholders, being kind and compassionate, but also able to handle complex and difficult situations.
Prioritize Being Wise
By prioritizing wisdom, you cultivate a more profound ability to handle and influence life's events. Wisdom is rooted in reflection, discernment, and an understanding of broader contexts. Consequently, actions and decisions driven by wisdom often align more closely with an individual's core values and beliefs. This alignment fosters a more authentic sense of self, free from the constant strain of trying to conform to external expectations, as is often the case with merely being nice.
Power in the professional setting demands a natural, appropriate assertiveness, decisiveness, and the capacity to hold one's ground. These are all preconditions for the proper boundaries that drive vision and growth. They are all traits that may clash with the conditioned "nice" demeanor.
Harnessing your Wise Woman authenticity not only liberates you from the mental toll of living a limited life but also empowers you to impact the world in a way that only you can.
Are you ready to shed the burden of unwarranted niceness to embrace the potent force of your authentic self?
How will you embody the Wise Woman (or Wise Man) going forward as you #healworklife?
Be well,
Katherine
